You know what pisses me off? Waking up, scrolling through my feed, and seeing yet another glowy-skinned, green-juice-sipping “wellness guru” telling folks to “alkalize your body to cure everything from acne to heartbreak.” Sis. Sir. Stop. This ain’t Hogwarts. And your pH level isn’t gonna rewrite your trauma or unclog your bank account.
We’re so busy chasing alkaline perfection like it’s the Holy Grail of health, that no one’s asking the ugly questions.
Like, what happens when your body gets too alkaline? Or why the hell are we following dietary advice from someone who doesn’t know the difference between a stomach and a stomach lining?
The Body Ain’t a Swimming Pool
Your blood pH stays between 7.35 and 7.45. That’s it. That’s the sweet spot. Too low? You’re in acidosis. Too high? Welcome to alkalosis, a condition that can mess with your muscles, make you lightheaded, and screw up your potassium levels like a toxic ex screws with your self-esteem.
No, sipping lemon water and eating raw spinach ain’t gonna turn your bloodstream into Fiji water. You can’t hack your blood pH through food. Your lungs and kidneys are already working overtime to balance that jazz 24/7. And let me tell you, they don’t need Karen from TikTok telling them how to do their job.
The Slippery Slope to Malnourishment
When people go all-in on alkaline eating, they start cutting out entire food groups like carbs, meats, and dairy. “Acid-forming,” they say. Next thing you know, they’re tired, cranky, and wondering why their hair’s falling out in clumps. It ain’t the retrograde, babe—it’s deficiency.
You know what’s more dangerous than acidity? Obsession. I’ve met folks who literally feared rice and bananas. Bananas. Like potassium never did anything nice for your nerves and heart. The diet becomes a prison, and they’re the ones tightening the bars.
Mental Health? Dragged Through the Dirt
Nobody talks about the anxiety this crap breeds. The guilt after “slipping up” and eating a damn egg. The fear of “acidifying” your body if you eat something processed.
The panic when your pee’s not clear and alkaline like the internet told you it should be. Newsflash: your pee doesn’t need to look like unicorn tears to be healthy.
This diet sells purity, control, and “good vibes only.” But behind the green smoothies and spirulina sprinkles, people are developing orthorexia—an eating disorder masked as health consciousness.
Health becomes a moral compass. Eat alkaline? You’re a saint. Eat meat? You’re toxic. That’s not health—that’s spiritual gaslighting wrapped in kale.
The Gut’s Not Impressed Either
Your stomach acid is supposed to be acidic. Like, pH 1.5 to 3.5 acidic. That’s how you break down proteins, absorb B12, and kill nasty bacteria. Start neutralizing it with alkaline water all day long, and you’re sabotaging your own digestion.
People on extreme alkaline diets often end up bloated, gassy, and feeling like they swallowed a balloon animal.
And don’t even get me started on acid reflux—it’s often a result of too little acid, not too much. So while you’re busy chugging $12 high-pH water, your gut’s quietly plotting revenge.
And Let’s Talk Money
You really out here dropping stacks on alkaline meal plans, exotic powders, and that overpriced pH testing kit for your urine? For what? For wellness that’s built more on aesthetic than science?
You know what’s actually sustainable and healing? Eating whole damn foods. Local. Seasonal. Balanced. Your grandma’s cooking—not that $28 sea moss smoothie in a mason jar.
Health Ain’t a Math Equation
We’re not meant to count every bite, measure our pee, or live in fear of acid-forming foods. Your body is not a spreadsheet. It’s a living, breathing, adapting machine with intelligence far beyond what a trend can grasp.
Yes, eat your greens. Yes, drink water. But also: eat the damn pasta. Laugh. Sleep. Cry. Move. Rest. Heal. You don’t need to “alkalize” your soul to be worthy of health.
